<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>torturous electricity by sweetheartbitterheart</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940082">torturous electricity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartbitterheart/pseuds/sweetheartbitterheart'>sweetheartbitterheart</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adult Number Five | The Boy, Aged-Up Number Five | The Boy, Angst, Biting, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Hate Sex, Kinda but not exactly, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex, Self-Hatred, These two really need to get their acts together, Tragically Pining Idiots, i almost tagged this as siblings with benefits</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:55:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartbitterheart/pseuds/sweetheartbitterheart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Most times they don't talk when they have sex.</p><p>It is almost completely transactional. Five arrives at her apartment, either by teleporting in or by using the key she gave him. They might make some idle chit chat but it never lasts long before Five is crowding Vanya against a wall or a counter and ravishing her with his mouth.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Harcest Fall Festival: Fiveya Kinktober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>torturous electricity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/gifts">fiveyaaas</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is for Tori!!! You are such a sweetheart and so encouraging. when i'm fretting over my own writing you're so supportive and give amazing advice. your writing inspires me to write. you are a bright light in this fandom and i feel lucky to call you a friend. i hope you like this 😊💕</p><p>this is a fill for the hate sex prompt for kinktober. posting it a day early because i just couldn't wait to share it. i love how my interpretation of hate sex for Fiveya is just them having rough sex and both believing that the other one hates them so they'll take any affection they can get. these pining fools!!! fair warning this is mostly rough, angry sex so mind the tags!!</p><p>title from Landfill by Daughter</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Most times they don't talk when they fuck.</p><p>It is almost completely transactional. Five arrives at her apartment, either by teleporting in or by using the key she gave him. They might make some idle chit chat but it never lasts long before Five is crowding Vanya against a wall or a counter and ravishing her with his mouth.</p><p>Vanya can't remember exactly when this started and she doesn't care. Physical intimacy is still something new and craved by her. She is touch-starved and clingy, she knows.</p><p>She can't think about <strike>Leonard</strike> Harold, whoever the fuck, without wanting to bring a building down, and she never wants to see the hateful sneer on Five's face again at the mention of his name. Her short-lived relationship with that man is just another reason for Five's disdain of her. Another mark against her. She is no longer sweet, shy, little Vanya, the one who followed Five around like a loyal puppy, the one who he left behind. She'd become a mediocre violinist with no friends who destroyed her whole life because some man was kind to her and told her she was <em>special</em>.</p><p>So Vanya doesn't think she could give up this little scrap of intimacy that she gets.</p><p>Also, it's <em>Five</em>.</p><p>They've fucked on nearly every surface in her apartment. Five has a particular preference for her armchair by the window. He likes her to ride him while he holds her hips in a vice grip, guiding her hips up and down. He stares up at her wearing some expression she can't exactly place.</p><p>Truthfully, he likes her in any position in any place. Their trysts are usually hard and fast and end with Vanya sore and bruised, but the pain is a sweet reminder that it happened.</p><p>If he wants to use her like this, she doesn't mind.</p><p>Maybe she deserves it. Maybe she has just been a monster playing at being a person this whole time. She ended the world in that other timeline. He suffered alone for decades in a wasteland by her doing. Now she's paying penance to him.</p><p>Her love for him is an ache that has never faded; deep and bruising.</p><p>Tonight she's flat on her stomach on her bed as Five pushes into her a little too harshly. She wails, grips the sheets. His hands are squeezing her hips, surely to be bruised tomorrow. At her next gasp caused by his sharp thrust, he runs his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck and grips it, snapping her head back. The pull is painful but it sends a wave of pleasure through her.</p><p>"F-fi..." she whimpers.</p><p>He only growls and tugs on her hair again.</p><p>She feels like a doll, being moved by Five's whims, her only purpose to be fucked and used by him. She loves it.</p><p>His mouth connects to her neck where he bestows kisses and nips there, grazing his teeth along her pulse. It produces the same hitched yelp reaction from her as it does every time.</p><p>She tries to reach a hand down to rub her clit, but before she can make contact Five's hand is already there. He squeezes the swollen nub with expert precision making Vanya roll her hips and moan even louder.</p><p>It only takes a few more moments and then Vanya is coming. She jerks in his grasp, riding high on a sea of pleasure. Five follows her over the ledge soon after. His body tightening as his orgasm hits, leaving him twitching and panting.</p><p>Vanya expects to be dropped face forward but Five carefully places her body on the bed. He pulls out, leaning back to admire the mess he's made of her. She can hear his heavy breathing. A hand comes down to stroke through her hair, gentle this time, brushing it away from her face, then strokes down her spine. Goosebumps rise on her skin from the almost tender touches.</p><p>She wants to say something, anything, but her mind is still fuzzy. Every time they do this, she tries to build the courage to talk to Five about it. But she's either too blissed out to move, let alone speak, or too frightened of his potential reaction.</p><p>So she stays quiet, already mourning the loss of his touch, his mouth, his undivided attention.</p><p>Distantly, she hears him move around her bedroom. Sleep is closing in on her, but she's still mostly conscious when she feels Five wipe her down with a warm washcloth.</p><p>If Vanya had been able to stay awake a little longer, she would've heard Five whisper, "Forgive me."</p><p>-</p><p>Five likes Vanya best on her back or in his lap riding him. He likes to see her face, likes memorizing the looks of pleasure she makes; the way her face scrunches up when she's close and the rosy blush that extends down her chest.</p><p>Also, he likes being able to look at her with all his feelings unrestrained, with the unabashed awe he's always felt for her. She gets so lost in the pleasure that she doesn't seem to notice the way Five's eyes stay trained on her the entire time.</p><p>There is a thrill to the way he slams her against the wall. She always moans just this little bit louder. She clutches at his shoulders, at his back, raking her nails down, carving marks into his skin. Their kisses are a fight, forceful and messy. Five has found that if he reacts to Vanya with violence she reacts back just as violently.</p><p>Timid, little Vanya has claws. She can fight back just as rough. She's strong and powerful. It's a glorious feeling.</p><p>She mewls as he sucks a mark on the side of her neck. Her back arching as she grips his shoulders to bring him closer.</p><p>When he showed up tonight, she'd only been wearing an oversized flannel and her underwear. Five has now pulled the flannel off to the side, exposing her shoulder. Her legs are wrapped around his waist, her feet digging into the small of his back, and he can feel her pussy leaking onto his thigh.</p><p>Snaking a hand down her stomach until he reaches her clit, he recaptures her mouth at the sudden loud moan his touch elicits it. She starts rubbing against him more persistently now. Some feral part of Five enjoys how reliant on him she gets; how needy, how desperate.</p><p>"Please," she begs, mouth brushing against his chin.</p><p>He nudges the hard line of his cock against her cunt, revels in her resounding shudder. He takes pity on her, readjusting his hold on her so he can slide her underwear partway down her legs. A whine escapes her mouth at the loss of his fingers circling her clit. He has to keep her pinned to the wall so he can unbuckle his belt and release his uncomfortably hard cock.</p><p>With no effort at all, Five lifts her up, rubs the tip of his cock along her folds and places it right at her entrance. Vanya's eyes have already fluttered closed and Five is entranced by the expression on her face. Dazed and excited. He uses her hips to guide her down onto his aching cock. He stretches her tight pussy, thrilled all over again by their difference in size. Vanya winces when she finally takes him in to the hilt.</p><p>Her mouth forms a perfect 'o' that he wants to devour.</p><p>He doesn't wait for her to adjust to his girth, just starts pushing in, lost to the wondrous feeling of her cunt clenching around him. Her juices gushing down both their thighs.</p><p>"Harder, harder, come on," she whines.</p><p>Of course, he obliges her.</p><p>He ruts up into her, her head falling back against the wall. A victorious grin spreads across his face. The pace he sets is harsh and relentless, every hard thrust reaching the spot inside that makes her see stars. He wants Vanya to feel his hands for days, he wants her to press on the bruises he leaves on her neck and thighs and shiver at the memory of his mouth and hands on her.</p><p>When she finally comes, her walls clenching and quivering around his cock, he kisses her fiercely. His own orgasm follows soon after as she scratches his neck hard enough to leave a mark. He groans at the pain and bites her bottom lip until it bleeds. He licks the blood off her lips, then slides his tongue into her mouth so she can taste it too.</p><p>They moan together. The grip she'd had on his shoulders loosens. It's only his grasp that's keeping her held upright between his body and the wall.</p><p>"You okay?" he asks, voice rough.</p><p>It takes a few moments for Vanya to respond. She blinks at him, licks her lips, "Yeah, yeah. Can you just take me to my bed?"</p><p><em>Will you let me lay in it with you too? Will you let me wipe you clean and hold you close? Will you forgive me?</em> Five shakes his head as if he can shake these thoughts away so easily.</p><p>He doesn't want to let go of her yet, he wants to hold her just a little longer, so instead of jumping them, he carries her to the other room.</p><p>Once he places her down on the bed, she flings the flannel off her body and pulls the covers over her, uncaring of the sweat and dried come on her skin. Something primal unfurls in Five's chest over this fact. That some small piece of him will actually stay in this bed with her. He felt his come dripping down her thigh and now it's surely smeared across her sheets too.</p><p>For a moment, he just stands in her bedroom, trying not to stare directly at her. He readjusts his clothes and he runs a hand through his hair. Vanya makes a sleepy sigh, continuing to burrow further under the covers.</p><p>An urge to tuck her in barrels through him and he flexes his hand so not to act on it. He's already served his purpose here. This is the only way he's found to be close to Vanya again. She'll accept his kisses and his cock but she won't let him stay in her bed, in her home. Even though to him she <em>is</em> home.</p><p>It’s an exquisite pain he's inflicting on himself but he won't stop. He's pouring salt in the wound every time he goes to her apartment but he's greedy for anything she'll give him. If this is the price he has to pay for leaving Vanya all those years ago then he accepts, because at least he gets to have her a little bit.</p><p>At least for a little while he can pretend that she's his.</p><p>-</p><p>There was one time when Vanya had come close to saying something to Five. The words were on the very tip of her tongue but then they'd retreated when she saw the unyielding way he held himself.</p><p>She's already been such a burden to him, how could she add any more weight?</p><p>It had been a Sunday afternoon and they'd fucked lazily on her couch as the sunlight bathed them both in warmth. Her orgasm left her trembling above him, hiding her face against his neck. Five's big hands were grazing her bony shoulder blades, holding her to him. Vanya liked it. She liked it so much. But anxiety grew in her belly for when this delicate interlude would end.</p><p>She kissed the rigid tendon under the edge of his jaw. Words were swirling in her head; <em>Please don't hate me forever. I can be better. We can be close again. I promise I won't ruin things. Tell me how to fix this, fix us, Five, please.</em></p><p>Vanya took a deep breath, gathering all her bravery, and pulled back from Five. His whole body went stiff and his hands fell from her back. She stared at the tense line of his shoulders and decided to push those words back down her throat.</p><p>-</p><p>Sometimes Vanya thinks she likes it best when they really fight for dominance.</p><p>Usually, Five will set a brutal pace and she'll push back by canting her hips forward on every thrust and scratching her nails down his back. She enjoys his hiss of pain as her nails dig in at the nape of his neck. He retaliates with a pinch to her clit, making her scream.</p><p>The pain is exhilarating as it is bittersweet.</p><p>It's not as different to right now, when she needs to feel something, because sometimes it seems as though the pills did irreparable damage to all her senses, but Five always brings her out of her head.</p><p>He's rutting in and out of her viciously. He can tell she's close from the way she keeps clenching around him and the way her nose scrunches up. Grinding his pelvic bone against her clit as he slams back into her, she gasps, her head falling forward to lean on his shoulder. On his next thrust, Vanya bites down hard, her teeth sure to leave red indentations behind. The sound of her moan muffled in his skin.</p><p>A shiver rolls down his spine at this display. He needs to mark her too. Most of his coherent thoughts have long disappeared as the heat of Vanya's body grips him, pulling him back in every time he pulls his cock out. He continues to thrust harder, Vanya's breath hitches and her thighs tighten around him, so he does it again and again. He kisses her neck once, twice, but the third kiss turns sharp as he sinks his own teeth into her soft flesh.</p><p>Vanya keens and jerks in his arms, orgasm overwhelming her. A few more harsh thrusts from him then he is spilling inside her.</p><p>Delirious laughter falls from her lips and Five has to fight the urge to kiss into her open mouth.</p><p>-</p><p>Five doesn't tell Vanya about the time he got absolutely shitfaced and used the key she gave him to stumble drunkenly into her apartment at 2am. He'd woken up that morning with the taste of ash in his mouth, unrelenting panic seizing his heart, and proceeded to spend the day getting plastered. The panic soon shifted from his time at the end of the world to his assassin days. Frantic thoughts of Vanya rejecting him piling up one by one as he replayed each of his kills. He couldn't shake the imagine of her face going cold and dark, and flinching from his touch. He switched back and forth from scotch to vodka, sprinkling in some rum occasionally.</p><p>The whole day he'd fought with himself from going to her, but by midnight he was crawling out of his skin and by 1:30am he was already grabbing another bottle of scotch from a 24 hour liquor store en route to her apartment.</p><p>It was dark and quiet inside her place. Five stood for a moment in the hallway before wandering into her bedroom. He was careful to keep his footsteps light so not to disturb Vanya's sleep. She already struggled to sleep enough as it is.</p><p>The bottle of scotch in his hand felt as heavy as the weight on his chest. Quietly as he could, he unscrewed the cap and took a few gulps, the burning sensation down his throat welcomed. Standing over Vanya's bedside, leaning down with wide eyes, Five gazed at her sleeping form. He envied her this peace of mind; however temporary it was.</p><p>He was captivated by the peaceful expression on her face. This relaxed side of Vanya was a rare sight even now and the truth in its expression made him bite down on his lower lip in appreciation.</p><p>Hours passed as Five sat on the floor beside Vanya's bed simply watching her sleep. He found a deep calm in her slumber, the steady rise and fall of her chest seemed to settle the rambunctious circuits in his brain. He focused solely on the rhythmic beat of her heart and every even breath she took. It overrode his senses, rendering him hypnotized. When he went to take another swing of scotch and discovered there wasn't a drop left, he finally tore his gaze away from Vanya. He stared at the empty bottle as if it were the single most offensive thing he'd ever seen.</p><p>A small, drowsy noise arose from Vanya as she shifted in her sleep. Five snapped his gaze back to her, vision blurry, and nearly dropped the bottle to the floor. Standing up on drunk wobbly feet, he couldn't stop himself from reaching a hand out to stroke Vanya's sleep soft face. His thumb had nearly grazed her cheek when she made another sigh.</p><p>It was no surprise then when he teleported so quickly from her place back to the mansion that he puked all over his own bedroom floor.</p><p>-</p><p>Vanya has always been one of Five's favorite things to look at and now his appreciation for her has only grown. He thought he'd familiarized himself with all her adult features during those forty-five years alone just from staring at the back cover of her book, but he's still amazed by every minute expression that crosses her face.</p><p>There is also a strange pleasure he takes in being the one causing her reactions.</p><p>It's partially why he always watches her with such rapt attention when she comes. Her eyes flutter shut so beautifully and her breath hitches just so. He finds he doesn't mind that it reminds him of the deaths on his hands, the way someone's breath would give out just as Five gutted them with ferocity.</p><p>The heady rush over taking a life so easily is the same one Five feels when he unravels and pleases Vanya. Every time he does it, he craves it more and more.</p><p>Sometimes Vanya looks at him after in such a way that makes him wonder if she can hear his thoughts the way she can hear his heartbeat, and if she regrets letting another monster into her bed.</p><p>-</p><p>One night he fucks her particularly hard, much rougher than she's grown to expect.</p><p>Five teleports into her apartment while she's making dinner, storm in his eyes and body angled like a predator. He strips some of his clothes off partway before she can even ask him what's going on. He quite literally pounces on her, biting into her mouth.</p><p>When her own clothes are disregarded, save her underwear, he picks her up and fucks her against the kitchen counter. Vanya can hardly breath or speak from the way Five plunges into her, so brutal she'll feel the ache of him long after.</p><p>Her mind goes completely blank as he pounds into her, as deeply as gravity will let her sink onto him. The elastic of her underwear digging into her but she doesn't care. She scratches her nails down his muscular back. It makes him fuck her harder. It’s overwhelming, being completely caged by his body, his breath hot in her ear, his cock splitting her open. She bites at his chin and hears herself saying, "Five, oh god, Five, fuck…"</p><p>After they're both spent, he grabs her tea towel, runs it under the kitchen tap then wipes her clean with almost clinical detachment. It's the closest Vanya has come to crying in front of him during these encounters. Five tries to slip away from her, but she's feeling angry and vindictive, so she tugs him back towards her. She trails her fingers down his chest to his cock, grips it and smirks at the surprised wince on his face.</p><p>"I think you can do better than that," she chides, spreading her legs wider.</p><p>Some indiscernible expression crosses Five's face but it disappears so suddenly Vanya thinks she almost imagined it. Any other thoughts vanish from her mind as soon as he grasps her thighs once more in a bruising grip.</p><p>Vanya comes four times that night and left with marks on her skin that last for over a week.</p><p>-</p><p>There is a moment after every time they fuck where Vanya believes that this is will be it, this will surely be the time when Five will pull away from her for good, never to return. She is used to being left behind, forgotten about, and while she's made some strides with her self-esteem, she still has a long way to go.</p><p>Vanya can't help but worry and wonder when Five will grow bored of this strange ritual they've found themselves in.</p><p>The last time they'd shared her bed she'd thrown an arm over her eyes so she didn't have to watch him leave.</p><p>His right hand, big and warm, had stayed on her thigh for a few minutes after. She shuddered as his thumb began to rub circles into her skin.</p><p>Pathetic requests for him to <em>please stay</em> bubbled on her tongue, but before she could lose more self-respect by asking out loud, Five withdrew his hand and left.</p><p>-</p><p>Tonight Five's desire for Vanya feels like it's wrapped around his neck like a noose. Every grunt of pleasure, every word of encouragement nearly chokes him.</p><p>Vanya trembles in his arms as Five presses slowly into her until their bodies are flush together, his cock deep in the warm heat of her body.</p><p>He stills, drinking in the sensations. He moves, just a little, a slight pull and thrust of his hips, and he echoes the moans falling from her mouth. Every time he's almost overwhelmed by how good Vanya feels around him, how she fits just right.</p><p>The thread begins to unfurl because Five cannot stop his mind from reminding him that this is not real, that this is not a true relationship, that this is rough, anger fueled sex. That he'll never be able to say the things he wants to, that he'll never get to kiss her goodnight and good morning, never hold her through the night.</p><p>Five snaps his hips, his thrusts getting more powerful, really fucking Vanya now, trying to chase the thoughts from his head.</p><p>"Fuck, Five," she says, high and needy, breaking with each of his thrusts, "So good. So full. I need you. Fuck, I always n-"</p><p>It's a lie, Vanya does not need him in the way that he needs her, but Five lets it wash over him as if it were the truth. What's the harm, at this point, when it's too late to undo any of this anyway. He presses her body into the bed, lifting her hips up to deepen the angle of his thrusts. Both of them moan at the change, and Five lets himself go, throwing aside his control and fucking her with abandon.</p><p>He feels his orgasm approaching, building tightly in his gut, and lets his thrusts turn wild and uneven. Five runs his hand over Vanya, just barely touches her clit, and she cries out, twitching and then gushing all over his hand. He doesn't stop, doesn't slow, but presses wet kisses against her neck as he snaps his hips for the last few times and comes with a grunt, and with words he's been desperately holding back.</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>Five feels the thread between his feelings and reality unravel completely now.</p><p>Resting his head against the juncture of her neck and shoulder, he waits for the inevitable shove or slap, for her push him off of her entirely. Nothing happens. They lie together.</p><p>After a minute or two, when Five feels as though he's reined in his feelings enough to brace for rejection, he lifts his head to look at the person who holds his fractured heart in her hands. He's thrown to see Vanya staring at him in stunned silence, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks.</p><p>She takes a shuddering breath, "Why… Why would you say that?"</p><p>The tears are falling faster now, blurring her vision. She shakes her head, pushing at his chest and scrambling away from him. She winces at the feel of him sliding out of her and grabs the sheets to haphazardly shield herself. Vanya has positioned herself in the corner of the bed, knees pulled up tight, curling into a protective ball.</p><p>Five is, yet again in his long life, lost.</p><p>"I know you're arrogant and blunt, but I still foolishly thought you wouldn't be this cruel to me," she manages to get out even as she begins to cry harder.</p><p>"Vanya…" he tries.</p><p>She shakes her head again, "God, I'm so stupid."</p><p>"No. Vanya, no, you're not."</p><p>But his words are useless because Vanya just brings her hands up to cover her ears.</p><p>Five's hands twitch, craving to pull her hands away and drag her back into his arms.</p><p>Panic stirs in his chest. A telltale sign of Vanya's powers initiating in the form of a sudden breeze in the room. Five's mind starts working in overtime trying to find a way to deescalate this delicate situation when he zones back into Vanya's whimpering.</p><p>"So stupid, so fucking stupid. He can't, he doesn't. Remember he hates you. He <em>hates</em> you."</p><p>That stops him up short.</p><p>It's wrong. It's absurd. It's so unequivocally incorrect that Five doesn't even want to entertain the thought.</p><p>"Vanya," he says roughly, mentally scolding himself for his sharp tone.</p><p>She hunches her shoulders up, inhaling and exhaling, reminiscent of the breathing techniques Allison taught her, but she cautiously drops her hands from her ears.</p><p>The winds in the room slow down a little bit. Still Five can feel the crackling energy in the air.</p><p>Slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal, he leans forward. Vanya's eyes are wide and teary. She looks scared; of him, no less. Five has long since come to terms with the fact that he is not a good person, that he is dangerous and a murderer, but to see Vanya regard him this way causes his chest to tighten painfully.</p><p>Here and now Five finds himself wishing he was more like Ben or Allison, even Klaus, people who actually know how to verbalize their feelings, how to communicate and connect. That is a skill Five barely had to begin with and then was whittled down to nothing over the years. Yet as children he never had trouble connecting with Vanya. His love for her has always been steady and flowing like a river; keeping him afloat her current even in the apocalypse, even during his days with the Commission.</p><p>Vanya is easy to love. He is not.</p><p>So he will let the truth pour from his mouth like wine. He cannot let her go on believing that he hates her.</p><p>"Vanya, I love you. You don't have to say anything, we never have to talk about it again, but I don't hate you. I never have, I couldn't."</p><p>If he can spare her any more pain, he'll do whatever is possible.</p><p>"You don't?"</p><p>He shakes his head, "No."</p><p>"You love me?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>She blinks a few times, taking in his words carefully. A tear slides down her cheek as she tentatively asks, "How? How can you forgive me?"</p><p>All the pieces click into place for Five now. Vanya has believed all this time that he hates her, that he doesn't forgive her. Is he just a punishment to her? Does she believe having sex with him is a way to make amends? It is a horrifying thought.</p><p>He gazes at Vanya, tear stained and self-flagellate, and heartfelt determination wells up within him. He can be vulnerable. He can rectify this.</p><p>"It wasn't difficult. I just looked at your face after… everything, and realized I was more relieved that you were alive than I was that the world wasn't ending."</p><p>His words cause her tears to return fully.</p><p>"I know that you don't-"</p><p>Before he can finish the thought, she launches herself into his chest, gripping her arms around him, clinging to him. He doesn't think, just pulls her closer. Pressing his face to her hair, he tries to memorize her scent and the feel of her body against his. It's probably the last time he'll be this close to her.</p><p>He feels her begin to mumble something into his chest where she's hidden her face so he bends his head to hear.</p><p>"I love you too, I love you too. Don't leave, okay? Don't leave me," she pleads into his sternum.</p><p>He rears back, "I thought-"</p><p>"That I hated you?" she almost smiles, "Five, no, never."</p><p>He almost wants to laugh. All those years alone in the apocalypse, agonizing over if he'd ever see Vanya again and if he'd get to actually have her, and here now despite her being the literal cause of the end of the world, he still gets her. He feels positively victorious.</p><p>After all his suffering, Five does get a reward and it's <em>Vanya</em>.</p><p>He leans down and seals his lips over hers in a possessive kiss. She squeaks but still brings her hands up to his face, drawing him closer. Her teeth bite down on his bottom lip, startling a groan out of him.</p><p>Five can feel her smile against his mouth and this time he does laugh.</p><p>Gently this time, she pulls back from him, breathing heavy, "You thought I hated you?"</p><p>"I left you," he says as if that alone should be reason enough to deserve her ire.</p><p>She strokes his cheek, "But you came back."</p><p>"Not soon enough," he whispers, turning his face to kiss her palm.</p><p>"You were alone for years because of me. Because of what I did."</p><p>Tears return to her eyes and he reaches out wiping them away.</p><p>He clears his throat and grips her chin in his hands to make sure she listens, because this time she <em>will</em> listen to him. "Let's get something clear, Vanya," he starts, locking eyes with her, "Dad kept you sedated almost your whole life, suppressing your powers, and the rest of our family didn't exactly help by treating you like you didn't belong." She tries to lower her gaze but Five holds her still.</p><p>"Then that bastard came into your life and manipulated you," he continues, rage returning at the mere thought of Harold fucking Jenkins, "Trying to use your powers for his gain. You may have caused the apocalypse but the blame doesn't lie solely on your shoulders."</p><p>She opens her mouth to argue but he halts her with another kiss.</p><p>"If you must think of yourself as a monster then think of me as one too," he whispers against her lips.</p><p>Five knows Vanya did not enjoy ending the world and killing seven billion people. He also knows himself and despite his claims that he only became an assassin to get back to his family, to save them, it's not the whole truth. There had been plenty of times when he enjoyed the killing, the blood, the rush of power and control over crushing an opponent.</p><p>Five is a bigger monster than Vanya could ever dream of being.</p><p>"Oh, Five," she breathes, returning his kiss gently, "Did you really think I hated you because of what you did to get back to us?"</p><p>He swallows, but he doesn't need to speak, because Vanya already knows. She knows him so well. He was her sole confidant as a child, and wasn't she his?</p><p>"I did hate you at times for leaving. I think I even resented you too. That you got out. I always imagined you were off somewhere better, being brilliant," she says quietly, "But I always missed you more than I hated you, and that made it so much worse."</p><p>This is the most honest they've been with each other since before he left.</p><p>"Everything you did, you did to get home to us, right?" Vanya implores, her brown eyes big and trusting.</p><p>He can only nod. He's too old to feel this shy, especially with Vanya.</p><p>"Then that's all that matters. I don't care about the rest of it. I love you, and you love me?"</p><p>"Yes, Vanya, God yes," he whispers.</p><p>Five tangles his hands in the hair at the back of her head, pulling her back in for a kiss. It is deep and languid. Vanya moans into it, her fingers clutching at his shoulders. The victorious feeling returns to Five's gut.</p><p>This time as he kisses her and climbs on top of her, he holds her with care, like she's something fragile and precious. This time he treats her sacredly in the way he always should have.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hate the last line of this so much</p><p>i do have two more kinktober fics coming so look out 👀</p><p>quick reminder Fiveya week is happening November 1st-November 7th, so check out the fivevanya tumblr for more info/questions. the prompts this year are: memories, dancing/training, childhood, sparrow academy AU, guilt, endings/beginnings, and a free day</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>